Inner Beauty

Reading me like an open book
You just need to have another look
Looking down deep, seeing the real me

All my emotions are in your view
The saddness I've felt, you've felt it too.
Pain from heartbreak and loss, seems to have no end

Finally, you reach my heart
Too many times it has been ripped apart
It is ready for a fresh new start

You seem to know I'm ready
For a love so rare and true
That only you could give

We have come so far
In this journey of love
It's all that we have ever wanted

Our hearts
Are just as one
Inner beauty shining like the sun

Fat vs. skinny

The fat girl glares in envy At the one the world calls skinny
And the skinny girl glares back At the one the world calls fat

Fatty wants the slender neck Skinny wants the breasts
Fatty wants the tiny tummy Skinny wants the rest

Fatty wants the tiny waist ,Fatty wants to breathe
Fatty wants to be the oneThe world would call pretty

But there are secrets That fatty doesn't know
Like the dreams of skinnyAnd why she feels so low

Skinny may be smallBut she wants to gain some weight
So don't call a small girl skinny It's sometimes a very big mistake

Fat girls may look to skinny And release an angry sigh
But tiny girls who can't gain weight Can kiss an ass goodbye

So the next time you look in a mirror And start to curse your flaws
Remember there are girls in this world That look to you in awe

We can't always be what we want to be We can't always look the same
Feelings are so much more important So don't call each other names

Appearances don't last foreverBut scars always remain
So hug your body close Because it's beautiful all the same

All the cellulite in the world And all the bones showing through skin
Shouldn't stop the smiles That would have, could have been.

rasa minder atau tidak percaya diri itu selalu datang memperkosa fikiran para wanita. wanita selalu ingin tampil cantik dan menarik, apalagi jika wanita wanita di sekelilingnya laku di pasaran atau digilai para pria ketimbang dirinya. rata-rata pria itu visual. yang pertama di lihatnya dari seorang wanita adalah fisiknya. hanya luarnya saja terlebih dulu, soal sikap dan pribadi si wanita itu nomer kedua .
wajah cantik ,tubuh langsing, kulit putih ,dada montok dan pantat semok adalah hal-hal umum yang pertama membuat mata para pria berkeling bahkan jelalatan.

banyak wanita yang mati matian ingin tampil cantik melakukan segala cara untuk memuaskan batinnya sendiri. karena wanita suka sekali di panggil cantik.
dan faktanya, wanita yang bertubuh kurus menganggap dirinya cantik, dan menganggap gemuk itu tidak cantik. gemuk itu sama sekali tidak menarik, mereka beranggapan bahwa gemuk itu tidak akan dilirik pria.

maka beberapa wanita bermoto "I love being skinny" hingga ada juga mereka yang melakuan extreme diet, bahkan lebih parahnya ada beberapa kasus yang disebut bulimia , anorexia, atau eating disorder, para wanita yang mengagungkan tubuh kurus, rela memuntahkan kembali semua makanan yang baru saja mereka makan

lalu bagaimana nasib wanita-wanita yang biasa-biasa saja atau berbadan gemuk? apakah mereka akan dilirik pria juga? tentu iya. tapi para pria butuh waktu untuk menyukai mereka. biasanya para pria harus PDKT. dan biasanya hanya pria pintar dan pria yang mengerti bahwa kecantikan bukan dilihat dari wajah atau ukuran tubuh saja.

banyak contoh nyata yang sering saya lihat, bahkan pernah saya alami sendiri. bahwa wanita bertubuh gemuk itu malah dijadikan bahan lelucon teman-temannya. jika kamu gemuk, dan teman teman kamu semuanya kurus, maka kamulah yang akan dijadikan lelucon, atau bahkan di ejek. meskipun mungkin ada orang lain yang lebih gemuk dari kamu, tetap saja kamu yang jadi bahan ejekan.
sampai disini. saya mengerti. mengapa para wanita yang biasa biasa saja lebih sering sakit hati dan lebih cepat minder.


but ladies ...beauty isn't make up.beauty isn't always about your heights or your look.
cantik yang sebenarnya ada dalam diri kamu. dan kamu hanya perlu menunjukannya keluar.



note: dan karena akan selalu ada wanita cantik di sekeliling kita. maka kita hanya perlu mendapatkan pria yang tidak perduli dengan kecantikan mereka.

long distance , wrong distance

Have I ever told you
that if I sit really still and silent,
sometimes. I like to think
I can hear your heart beating
in time with mine?

Have I ever told you
that when I watch you speak to me
through lines and cords,
and bytes and ram,
I imagine
your voice,
whispering into my ear?

Have I ever told you
that I wait out each day
in anticipation,
wanting
only an hour or two,
just a second in space and time,
to feel close to you?

Have I ever told you
that there has been times,
when I ached for you,
ached for you so badly,
that the emotions overwhelmed me..
and so I sat and cried?

Have I ever told you
that sometimes,
I will reach out,
touching your name
on this cold screen before me,
wishing
I could reach in
and pull you to me?

Have I ever told you
that after the first time I heard
the sound of your voice,
thousands of miles away,
I sat up all night,
turning the conversation over and over
in my mind,
examining it,
like some newly discovered species of flower?

Have I ever told you
that I would give everything up,
just for one night
to be able to lay near you,
to feel your chest rise and fall
with each breath you take,
just to know that you are real?

Have I ever told you
that I dream of you often,
I dream of you reaching out
and touching my hand,
simply to let me know
that you are there,
and everything is okay?

Have I ever told you,
have I still yet to tell you . . .
that I love you?

i'm tired so let me be broken

she's crying in the corner again
headphones blasting angry lyrics
to drown out everyone else around her
memories are flooding back
things hardly anyone understands

depression is such a monster
it clings to her like a leech
she's scared she'll never be rid of it
but she keeps up the fake smiles and laughter
because the facade is so much easier

she's watched so many she loves
be dropped into the ground
like the petals you pull off daisies
asking if he/she loves you or not
(how often has that answer been not?)

verbal scars still cling to her ears
and remain fresh in her mind
'go kill yourself!' 'you're worthless!'
taunting her day after day
no matter how hard she tries to bury them

she knows a lot of people have it much worse
some of them she talks to everyday
she hasn't been raped, beaten, starving
or suffered through any kind of disaster
but her pain is still there

but it's okay
her life is just dandy
(if you ask anyone else)

You're my muse

like a man out at sea
i can appreciate the ocean
but i've found it much closer to home
inside your shimmering crystal eyes

like a painter with a canvas
i used my fingers as a brush
all around your pale body
to paint a picture of our love

like the farmer planting his crop
we've sown our seeds of love on each other
and watered them with tears and kisses
with the hope we'll grow stronger together

Long love distance

I wish body pillows
Acted like teleportation devices
And when you clutched yours
It would put me beside you

I wish blankets
Were like magic carpets
And we could use ours
To fly to one another

I wish computer screens
Would let us reach to others
And I could pull you through
And into my arms

I wish we could feel each other
When we clutch pillows and blankets
And pretend they're each other
So our dreams can somewhat come true

The Beach

saya sangat suka pantai. siapa yang tidak

saya suka dengar debur ombaknya, seperti bunyi kata-kata merdu . buih ombak yang loncat ke udara , seperti percik rasa suka.

dengan hanya dengan menatap lepas ke hamparan lautan, 

pantai menyulap duka jadi suka.

tapi tidak selalu begitu, pantai kadang juga menjadi tempat aku melarikan diri. memanjakan rasa sedih yang akut. mendramatisir rasa sedih yang kronis. 

berjalan di pasir pantai dan melihat kembali bekas jejak kaki saya lalu berlari sekencang mungkin,menenggelamkan diri jauh lebih dalam ke kesedihan.

memories

Memories are something we all hold onto. Keep the GOOD ones. Let go of the Bad ones. Make room for the NEW ones.

Let's pretend

Lets pretend you love me,
Lets pretend its true,
Lets pretend we're happy,
Make believe green is blue,
Pretend that things are fair,
Pretend that they are right,
Pretend that you are in my heart,
If only for tonight,
Lets pretend we're happy,
Lets pretend we're free,
To make our own choices,
In this world of greed,
For nothing ever goes right,
Nothings ever fair,
Just remember that in the sky,
The stars are always there,
Lets pretend I love you,
Lets pretend its true,
Lets make believe for just one time,
That our lies can tell the truth.

We were only pretend

aku datang untuk memberimu sebungkus kue cinta yang kubuat susah payah di pagi hari.
maksudku, agar kamu kenyang dan tidak bosan saat bertemu denganku. aku tau kamu selalu bosan.
jadi kulakukan apa saja agar kamu betah berlama-lama denganku.

aku tau kamu selalu pura-pura membuat ku bahagia.
bahagia itu apa sih buat kamu? bahagia itu gimana sih buat kamu?

aku tidak bisa berhenti tersenyum saat di dekatmu. senyum itu hadir tanpa permisi. dengan kamu yang selalu rumit, aku bisa terus tersenyum. bisa kamu bayangkan jika kamu benar benar tulus membalas senyumku?aku mungkin mati kelak dengan senyuman.

katamu, aku terlalu romantis.
katamu, aku terlalu menyukai kamu.

aku meng-iya.
memang begitu adanya.
aku bisa apa?

katamu, kita akan terus begini. samar.
bingar yang nanar.
katamu, aku harus keluar,dan berhenti menemui kamu. berhenti bersikap romantis,
dan katamujuga , kue cinta yang selalu ku buat itu bodoh. kamu tidak suka. kamu pura-pura, selama ini kamu pura-pura menyukai.

kamu menikmati.

aku?aku pun ternyata tukang pura-pura
aku pura-pura amnesia , aku pura-pura lupa akan kenyataan bahwa kamu cuma pura-pura.

Let Go

The memories of the past never seem to fade,
and all the while, the feelings only seem to grow.
It all cuts deep into me, like the sharpest blade,
and yet, it all happened so long ago.

I want to let go, but I'm so afraid,
There are just so many things I want you to know.
The emotions I have, just seem to cascade,
These are the feelings, I don't want to show.

My mind seems to wander, it will never evade,
I can't seem to forget, how much I need you so.
Happiness eludes me, it's such a charade,
Sometimes I wish I could shift time and fore-go.

My thoughts play out like a full masquerade,
followed by guilt and endless sorrow.
Maybe one day though, I'll be unafraid,
and I'll finally have the courage, to just let go.

what is a masochist?

when i found you last week, you were pressing the lips
of a broken bottle to your face, tracing a line of red tears.
when i asked why you did it to yourself, you said

‘i like myself better this way.’

when i saw you in the hallway, you held the hand of another
whore, and she held the keys to your heart.
when i asked why you did this to yourself, you said

‘i like myself better this way.’

when i called you three days ago, you were crying while you smothered
your mouth with your own hands, bruising the curves of your lips.
when i asked why you did that to yourself, you said

‘i like myself better this way.’

when i took you out for a drive yesterday, you kept yourself away. you stayed
quiet and bit your tongue till it bled, but your black eyes never left my body.
when i asked why you do this to yourself, you said

‘i can like myself better this way.’

when i came to your house today, you were tying ropes around your
neck. your floor was covered in ‘i’m sorry’ notes, all folded and unread.
when i asked why you were doing this to yourself, you said

‘i will like myself better this way.’

when i opened your note that said my name, it was still damp with tears. it
said all the things you wouldn’t say, all the things you wouldn’t do, and all the ways
you could have hurt me, but you didn’t because i would change, and

you liked me better this way.

her name was anne xiety

nor alive.

she was neither dead

trepidus sky-

and her heart was left with the

because her eyes belonged to a crying bird,

always half blinded by tears

she was






( note : you have to read it backwards.)


(trepidus: latin form of trepid or trepadation;
fear or anxiety about something that you are going to do or experience.)

i'm breathing without lungs

don't apologize. i can't breathe. i collapsed on the stairs at a quarter to two and i haven't found my feet yet. please help me up. please push me down. i think i'm letting my lungs collapse. i think i just spit up saltwater. is the carpet staining? i need you to grab my hand. i need you to hold my lungs together. i need you. i need you.

is it night yet? i can't see the stars. i can't feel the wind. my skin is numb and my eyes are on fire and i'm sitting in the middle of a room without windows and i can't breathe. why aren't you listening? can't you hear me? i'm choking on regrets. i'm choking on my spine. i'm coughing up alcohol from last night and i'm spitting out my teeth but i still can't breathe.

i need a prayer. i need a song. i need you to write a poem for me and read it out loud until i can't hear anything but your voice. i need to stop driving with my eyes closed. i need to stop pretending i have wings. i need you to close your eyes and pretend i know. pretend i don't need you. pretend i know what this is. pretend i know who i am. anything. everything. pretend i know.

where is my pulse?

help me find my clothes. help me find an answer. i'm fumbling in the dark and i'm turning upside down without a way to find my balance. i'm tumbling. i'm falling. i'm scraping my knee and bleeding all over the floor. i'm coughing up words we've never heard before and pretending they're beautiful. i'm rearranging the stains on my jeans and saying they're profound. you're helping me up but i can't see your hand.

stop saying sorry. stop telling me you can't give me what i want. i don't know what i want. i don't know what i am. how can i ask for something when i'm not breathing? i walked on my hands and knees for five minutes today before i realized the world looked the same from down here. my throat got ripped to shreds trying to swallow the world. my hands are shaking and hitting all the wrong keys.

we're not making music, we're making chaos. we're swirling every color together because we thought it'd be a rainbow. but it's just black. it's just brown. it's a mess and we created it. it's hideous and it's our love child. are you proud of what we've created? are you touching the fucking awful masterpiece and saying that we're a genius and somehow in this word vomit we created something worth reading? because we didn't. we just fucked it all up. we just took the sun and bagged it and claimed the sky looked brighter when it was gone.

we weren't wrong. we were just anything but right.
we're not alive. we're just too stubborn to die.
i'm not breathing. why am i not breathing?

Your song

if i could save you with a song, i'd pry open my jaws and sing pangaea out of the milkyway-ocean.

i'd open my hands wide, part my lips and pour my heart into the wind's silver arms. i'd let my voice ride high along the horizon and dip below to fish the moon out from her hiding place, tease the sun into kissing the silver light. and when the world was bathed in gilded chrome, i'd grab your hand and haul you from your watery grave. i'd pull the murky sea from your lungs and spit it out, breathing deep the toxins and filtering out the silt from beneath your tongue.

and if you were to cough and dredge death up again, i'd sing you hymns to calm the earthquakes and tremors from your palms. i'd trace your veins with comet tails until they burned through your flesh and set your bones aflame. i'd press meteor kisses down your spine, carving the chorus along your hips until you believed the words that sparked wildfires beneath my ribcage.

i'd sing until my throat was dry, until the words ran together, until it was nothing more than the warbling of the wild river. i'd plant orchids between your fingers so you could hold life, drape velvet promises over your shoulders to keep you warm at night.

i'd cradle your head and sing us through the valley's shadow.
until we sat showered with celestial light, i'd sing to you.

Singing dreams to life

i'm waiting for you where dreams kiss
reality. where sweet mornings are spent
with the currency of light, salted breezes,
fluttering linen curtains and heartroots
sinking as they touch, greet, bind.

where you rest your sleepy head
in my lap so i might lose my fingers
in your mad curls, lose my sanity
in the peatbog of your eyes, lose
myself just in time for you to find it.

where my breath brushes the scar
on your jagged nose and my lips
brush, trace, linger on the border
of the wicked temptation, fatal
destination that is your mouth.

where my rusted tongue loosens
to find the rhythm of songs i've never
heard, the ancient hymns birthing
on my nerves. where i won't be a lark
or a nightingale, but a songbird nonetheless.

where i'll stumble through the chorus
until i get it right. where i'll wring my heart
dry on my swollen tongue, offering the nectar
to you in hushed reverence. where i'll sing
soft, gentle lover, in the golden husk of dawn.

[until the reality of my clumsy voice sweetens
to the dream of my emotions, for you, i will sing.]

Winter heart

maybe it's the weather. maybe it's the steam in the morning and the fog in my lungs that brings these words to life. i can feel them stirring under my breath like a second life; i can taste them in the december air that teases nostalgia from the pitter patter of my winter heart.

it's like life is a faded photograph. its like time is a frozen lake. it's like i'm sitting on porches wearing oversized sweaters and holding cups that burn the tips of my numb fingertips. it's like i'm in a forest and it's damp. it's dark. it tastes like a memory and the rain looks the way it did two years ago when i was broken. it's like remembering something perfect in a moment that was anything but; like holding something just out of reach in the palm of my hand.

ten months and three days ago: i'm in a coffee shop with frost on the sidewalk. it is quiet and loud and i have the feeling that i really am all alone. but it isn't bad. it is peaceful. it is soft and my bruised heart breathes deep. i exhale. it is the knowledge of being surrounded and the noise being a cocoon. busy lives and i am still. i am a rock in the river and it is cold. my hands are tingling from the frostbitten air, but i am happy.

it feels like that. it feels like my soul is stirring hot under the frozen water - like now that the sun has set, i can stand the heat of my words. they cry and yelp as they rise from their dust-covered graves. they shake the coming snow from their shoulders and leap through the fog. it feels like that - liking coming home to the cold and letting the winter slip its arms around me. it feels like summer is gone and the cold has burned the edge off of july pain. like the cold had reanimated my still heart, my marble fingers; like the fog has softened my marble fingers, my granite tongue.

(like summer has faded and my silence finally can too.)

Caraku mencintai kamu

headphones on. volume up. ignore the world.

music. is the sweet escape.

di pagi buta begini aku masih membuka mata lebar lebar. teringat senyum irit mu yang kemarin.
betapa hebat. sungguh. senyuman itu bisa membuat semua organ di dalam tubuh ini bereaksi girang penuh suka. senyuman itu membuat bumi sepersekian detiknya berhenti. kadang aku ingin menekan tombol pause , agar bisa ku nikmati senyum itu lama-lama.
agar bisa ku pandang teduh sayu bola matamu, rasanya ingin berteduh disana selamanya.
agar bisa ku genggam tanganmu sebentar saja.

jangan menatapku seperti itu. sungguh. itu menyiksa. aku sudah lama mati karena cintamu. tega kah kamu meremukan aku yang sekarang sedang merangkak di atas kekagumanku padamu?

mendambamu mungkin salah, tapi hanya dengan masih mendambamu lah yang membuatku percaya bahwa aku pecinta yang setia. percaya bahwa cinta itu benar ada. walau hingga saat ini masih aku yang mencinta. yang di cinta belum balas mencintai.
aku tidak tau. kamu membingungkan.
sering ingin ku tanyakan dengan lantang. do you love me? i wonder if i ever cross your mind

caraku mencintaimu adalah dengan menulis lagu. jika kamu adalah sebuah lagu, maka aku hanya akan memainkan nada-nada indah saja. agar kamu tau betapa indahnya kamu merajai pikir dan hati ini.

caraku mencintaimu adalah dengan berkhayal setiap aku mau. bercumbu dengan bayangmu.

caraku mencintaimu adalah dengan terus mendengarkan celotehan kamu, bahkan ketika kamu bercerita tentang dirimu yang sedang naksir seseorang. aku akan selalu ada disana ketika kamu membutuhkan bahu untuk bersandar, saat orang-orang mengabaikan kamu, aku akan selalu ada. aku tidak akan pernah tau caranya mengabaikan kamu. tidak mungkin.

caraku mencintaimu adalah dengan menggambar wajahmu di sekeliling kamar. sampai atap. ini serius. aku berbagi dengan siapa saja yang datang ke kamarku,berbagi tentang cerita cinta. cinta yang tak bisa ku gapai.

caraku mencintaimu adalah dengan mematri permanen nama kamu di hati dan otakku.

caraku mencintaimu adalah dengan menangis tanpa sedu. hanya setetes air mata yang keluar dari mata ini, setiap detik.

caraku mencintai kamu adalah dengan tulisan tulisan bisu ini yang mungkin tidak akan pernah kamu baca. aku memang pengecut untuk mengungkapkan semua rasa yang sudah meluap. jadi ku biarkan saja menguap ke udara. terbang di bawa angin. atau mungkin di makan serangga malam yang lapar.
tapi luapan cinta itu tidak akan pernah habis. aku tidak tau dari mana datangnya. tapi yang pasti aku menikmati rasa cinta yang begitu besar ini. nikmat yang menyakitkan.

caraku mencintaimu adalah dengan cara membungkus rapi rasa ini tanpa kamu ketahui.

instead of breathing.

it's a quarter to three and twenty minutes past any hope for sleep tonight.

instead, i am singing to the walls and pulling the stars in to light up the corners in my room. instead, i am writing your name in cursive and whispering secrets in gaelic and pinning my heart to the ceiling because it reminds me that life is beautiful. instead, i am making lists of things i want to tell you, lists of a hundred and two different ways to breathe that still leave me breathless whenever you're around.

instead, i am thinking of things like:

how when you talk, you mold the air between your hands like you're painting a picture that only i can see. how when you listen, you go completely and absolutely still. how ice-blue eyes cut through whatever inhibitions hold me back. how lips curve in a way that beckon me out of hiding to wherever it is you are. how you can seamlessly switch the conversation from a discussion of the black-and-white greats to cowboy brawls. how calloused, scarred fingers can drum out sinatra without missing a beat.

instead, i am swimming through thoughts like:

how i never thought there'd be a man who could make me think coughing up my heart would be painless. how i think i can see the nets sewn between your fingers and i trust, without a singular doubt, that if i jump with eyes closed, you will make sure i don't rip my jeans on the pavement. how faith has never been a more alluring word. how hugs can feel like the end of the world tied together with a bow. how a smoke-voice can lull a balking heart through deep waters. how steaming lattes and sunshine-showers can replace chandelier lit ballrooms.

instead of sleeping, i am thinking of you.
i'm not sleeping, but i'm dreaming all the same.

i hope you never read this.

you'll probably never read this and if you do, i hope you forget it right away. i hope you think it's about anyone else but you, that you shrug it off and are thinking about something else as soon as you click it [me] away. i hope you don't think about how my heart is still hung up on the hook you planted in it. i hope you don't realize that my thoughts still orbit around you whenever i'm alone and my defenses are down.

but i hope some part of you knows:

i hate you for what you put me through. i hate you for the way i cry in the shower because i feel better not knowing if the water on my face is salty or not. i hate you for the way i drive too fast because speed is the only thing i feel can whisk away your memory. i hate you even more for the way your absence never lasts for long.

i hate you for the way you left without looking back, the casual ease with which you accepted the dissolving of whatever it was we were. i hate you for moving on when i'm stuck in park, for the way you're able to shake me off and i'm still lingering over the faded photographs, the whisperings thoughts still riding the wind. i hate you for leaving me behind without so much as tapping the brakes.

i hope you know that i'm not dying, but then again, i'm not really living anymore either. i'm going through the motions, but i'm missing the vibrancy that i once knew, the passion that made everything brighter, more beautiful, just because i knew you were there. i'm not waiting for you to come back, but only because i know you won't. i'm just waiting for the feeling to come back in my legs so i can drag myself forward again.

i hope you don't think this is about you and i hope you don't think less of me because i said it. i hope you know me well enough to know i'm not going to let this [you] beat me, that someday i'll figure out a way to carve my path to a new life. i hope you never think about the tears you left behind and the minutes spent wishing for you back. i hope you never think about how small i looked in the rear view mirror.

mostly: i hope you never read this, i hope you never know it's about you.