Sepasang Kekasih Dan setangkai Bunga

well Here I am.. in my room, it's still rainy outside.
Just got back home from my show. it was a great show. great crowds. cool place for hangout .
saya pulang di antar salah satu personil band saya, kehujanan, Bandung dingin. tapi entah mengapa saya suka cuaca bandung yang seperti ini. Adem. Sekarang Bandung mulai Panas dan padat. saya tidak mau membayangkan seperti apa Bandung 5 tahun lagi.
anyway..
saya mau sedikit bercerita tentang yang saya lihat tadi di jalan ketika menuju pulang.
di stopan lampu merah saya melihat sepasang kekasih naik motor jadul tapi keren, si cewek melingkarkan tangannya di perut si cowok. saya tersenyum menikmati pemandangan itu, si cowok lagu merogoh saku celananya dan memanggil tukang bunga yang sedang berdiri kedinginan memegang erat bunga-bunga jualannya di sebrang jalan. si cowok membeli setangkai bunga mawar merah lalu memberikannya pada sang putri.
hati saya meleleh.
saya kira air hujan menetes di pipi saya. ternyata bukan, yang tadi itu air mata saya. saya cepat-cepat mengusap air mata saya itu sebelum teman saya memergoki saya menangis di motor.

kenapa saya menangis.
saya menangis terharu melihat kejadian yang simple tadi tapi saya bisa merasakan cinta mereka sampai ke hati saya. saya begitu ingin diperlakukan seperti itu.
saya lupa kapan terakhir saya di buat bahagia oleh cinta.

saya punya keluarga kecil yang memberi saya cinta.
saya punya banyak teman dan sahabat, mereka memberi saya cinta.

tapi kadang saya sangat rindu sosok pasangan yang bisa saya percaya untuk saya  titipkan hati saya.
mendamba sosok seorang pria yang bukan bisanya hanya menyakiti lahir dan batin, namun dia mengatas namakan cinta. ( sejak kapan kekerasan dalam berpacaran itu atas nama cinta?)

ingin membuka hati kembali, tapi hati ini masih belum bisa percaya bahwa cinta itu masih ada buat saya. hati ini belum bisa pulih. hati ini terlalu sakit untuk mengalami luka yang sama. tapi saya terlalu takut.
ya saya tau, life goes on. moving on.
tapi sungguh, tidak segampang itu.
saya tau

Ada saat dimana kita tidak perlu menoleh ke belakang. Jangan lihat lagi apa yang sudah (ikhlas) kita tinggalkan. saya percaya, itu akan meringankan langkah, untuk menjemput sesuatu yang baru. Sesuatu yang lebih melegakan. Sesuatu yang membuat kita bersyukur, karena menjemputnya dengan tangan yang sengaja sudah dikosongkan. 

Sungguh itu tidak semudah bernafas. saya berdiam terlalu lama untuk menahan diri tidak menoleh ke belakang. Saat saya berhenti, waktu tak ikut menemani. Dia terus berjalan. Pilihan saya, tertinggal jauh di masa lalu atau saya kejar waktu dengan harapan. 

well anyway..

saya bersyukur melihat pemandangan indah tadi di jalan. semoga mereka akan terus dibalut cinta, di ikat tali kasih sayang dan di goda rindu. 

bersyukur ternyata masih ada pria yang tau bagaimana cara membuat pasangannya tersenyum dan selalu merasa dicintai.

saya harap masih ada pria seperti itu untuk saya.

Bersembunyi dibalik tawa dan senyuman

Saya mau bercerita tentang kejadian tadi di Facebook saya,
Ada seorang gadis remaja yang me-like fanpage musik saya. dan dia juga meng-add facebook official saya.
Gadis belasan tahun ini begitu antusias ketika saya merespon chat nya.
saya belum terkenal,dan walaupun jika nanti takdirnya saya terkenal dengan musik saya suatu hari nanti, saya tidak akan mengabaikan orang-orang yang mencintai musik saya.
mereka semua teman saya. fans hanyalah sebutan. yang sesungguhnya adalah mereka teman,sahabat saya juga.

lalu gadis ini bertanya " kakak, sebenernya aku bingung, baca status update kakak yang konyol dan lucu. selain musisi apa sebelumnya kakak juga pernah jadi pelawak?aku juga follow tumblr kakak, sebagian isinya bikin aku ketawa-ketawa ngakak.. tapi aku juga bingung, waktu aku baca blog kakak, isinya tentang kesedihan semua.
sebenernya diri kakak yang asli tuh yang kocak apa yang sedih itu kak?"

saya tersenyum lalu menjawab  " dua-duanya juga itu kakak yang sebenernya de.. kalo lagi sedih ya sedih, kalo lagi kumat konyolnya ya konyol"

bohong.
sebenarnya saya lebih suka menyembunyikan rasa sedih, kecewa, marah, kesal, sakit hati saya ketimbang menjadikannya status update. saya tidak mau orang tau betapa menyedihkannya hidup saya.
menjadi lucu dan konyol itu menyenangkan hati saya sendiri. saya bahkan menertawai diri saya sendiri ketika membaca kembali status dan komentar-komentar yang saya lempar di facebook saya.
ternyata saya memang harus jadi pelawak. boleh deh nanti saya coba.

saya baca sebuah artikel tentang psikologi, disitu tertera bahwa orang yang paling sering bisa membuat orang-orangnya tertawa karena tingkah laku dan gaya bicara dia, sebenarnya adalah orang yang hidupnya penuh luka dan perjuangan. mentalnya sudah terlatih untuk menghibur diri sendiri karena beban kehidupan yang terkadang sudah bosan untuk ditangisi. jadi... hadapi saja dengan senyuman.

mengeluh boleh. tapi jangan menyalahkan hidup.
hidup itu anugrah. jadi nikmatilah. manfaatkanlah sebaik mungkin.

menangis itu bagus. tapi jangan menangis tanpa mau berhenti menangis.
bangkit.
hadapi saja.
bersabar.

GOD HAS PLANS.

saya percaya itu.

Soulmate

Saya percaya bahwa cinta itu ada, tapi sempat skeptis mengenai adanya konsep soulmate dan semacamnya. Ah tapi kata orang, ngga boleh sesumbar, mungkin si soulmate sedang dalam perjalanannya menuju saya. Sejujurnya, saya paling ngga suka menunggu. Tapi entah kenapa, untuk satu orang itu saya punya cadangan toleransi waktu tak terhingga. Satu orang itu adalah dia, yang masih disembunyikan Tuhan dalam tanganNya. Mungkin tangan kiri atau tangan kanan, saya tidak pernah tau pasti.


Kalau nanti dia membaca tulisan ini, pasti dia menilai saya terlalu sentimentil atau apa. Setidaknya dia tau, dia istimewa. Saya tidak tau, apakah dia berasal dari negara mana, apakah dia berkacamata, berbadan tidak terlalu kurus, berambut cepak, atau akan seperti apa. Terserah. Bisa dibilang, saya mati terhadap segala kriteria rupa.
saya menunggu dia yang bisa memperlakukan saya sebagai pasangan secara sehat dan pintar.
saya menuggu dia yang tau apa arti mencinta. bagaimana mencinta.

Tapi, seringkali terbayang, dia adalah sosok menyenangkan, yang tidak pernah kehabisan cerita untuk dibagi. Mendatangi saya dengan mata berbinar, antusias membicarakan mimpi, ide, dan rencananya. Membuat saya betah duduk berlamalama. Dia bisa menjawab semua pertanyaan berdasar logika. Saya membayangkan, ketika bersama dia, maka bosan itu tidak pernah ada. Dia selalu berhasil membuat saya tertawa. Saya juga membayangkan, dia jago sekali memainkan alat musik dan senang mengabadikan momen melalui kameranya. Dengan caranya, dia selalu bisa meyakinkan saya yang sering tidak yakin pada diri sendiri. Singkat kata, saya penggemarnya nomor satu.

Sebentar, saya menarik nafas sejenak sambil menuliskan ini. Bertemu saja belum, tapi sudah berekspektasi berlebihan.

kasihan?

terserah.

Tidak ada ‘bahagia selamanya’ yang saya janjikan. Tapi saya siap menjadi teman hidupnya, melewati setiap tanjakan, belokan, turunan, hingga menemukan jalanan tanpa rintangan. Saling membantu membaca rambu.

Saya tidak butuh sosok sempurna yang mengagumkan, cukup dia yang selalu hadir menenangkan ketika saya diserang kepanikan. Sebaliknya, saya bersedia meminjamkan bahu sehabis dia lelah seharian, tidak tau ke mana harus menuju.

Kami, manusia biasa yang saling bisa membuat satu sama lain luar biasa.

Hanya berani di tepian saja

Kamu perlu tau, bahwa aku cukup bahagia hanya dengan dudukduduk di pesisir pantai, melekatkan diri di pasir yang hangat, sesekali mencelupkan kaki untuk mengetahui suhu airnya. Kalaupun memutuskan berenang, itu hanya di permukaan dan tidak jauh dari bibir pantai. Sehingga, kalau aku menemukan halhal tidak menyenangkan di perairannya di tengah sana, aku bisa segera kembali ke pinggir pantai. Lalu menggelar tikar, berjemur sambil membaca buku sampai ketiduran.

Padahal aku tau, kehidupan bawah laut memiliki keindahan luar biasa. Tapi aku terlalu larut dalam ketakutan akan terumbu karang yang sangat mungkin melukai, pada ombak yang mungkin menggulung lalu menghisap habis tubuhku. Kirakira begitulah kemungkinan buruknya. Sehingga, aku tidak mau menyelam terlalu dalam.
Tapi aku percaya, pada suatu nanti akan ada seseorang yang rela turun dari kapalnya, menuntunku pelanpelan ke tengah laut. Bersamasama menikmati pemandangan, menggenggam tanganku kuatkuat saat aku ketakutan. Mengatakan bahwa semua baikbaik saja, dan memang benar begitu adanya. Entah itu akan kamu anggap sebagai harapan terlalu muluk atau doa baik yang mungkin terjadi ketika kamu mengucapkannya sungguhsungguh.

Seseorang pernah bilang kepadaku, bahwa harapan adalah manifestasi dari kekecewaan. Aku menyetujuinya dalam hati, bahwa memang harapan dan potensi kekecewaan tidak pernah dijual terpisah. Maka, mengelola harapan menjadi hal yang layak disebut bijak.

Seperti sedang berada di meja judi, yaitu ketika kamu memiliki peluang sama besar sementara hanya memiliki kesempatan satu dadu untuk dilempar. Dan aku terlalu pengecut untuk mempergunakan kesempatan itu, malah keluar dari arena pertaruhan, dan kembali menghabiskan malam sendirian. Berjalan pelan menyisir pantai tanpa ada siapapun di sebelah sisi.

who is this?

I look in the mirror But who i see isnt me. I dont know who it is, But i know its not me. Her eyes are blodshot, There is a lost, dead look hidden within. Walking through her days just trying to get by. No emotions, She looks like the walking dead. Thats not who i am, But she looks like me. She talks like me, But she doesnt act like me, Who is she?

Lagi sedih

saya lagi sedih. sangat sedih.
banyak hal yang memungkinkan saya menangis tersedu sedu saat ini.
tapi saya sekarang tidak sedang menangis. tidak bisa.
kemana air mata saya?
saya ingin menangis!!
ayo dong air mata.. segera keluar dari mata saya. bikin saya sedikit saja plong
Kalo urusannya hati yang sudah menangis. gawat.
lama berhentinya.
( kupas bawang saja, nanti juga air mata keluar) * please deh...

 sekarang yang ada hanya rasa sesak di dada dan hati yang terasa meleleh.

saya mulai mendengarkan lagu lagu sedih dan mulai menulis di blog saya ini. sendiri lagi.
( kadang saya tidak menulis satu katapun, hanya tertegun tanpa menghasillkan satu tulisanpun... )


selalu lebih baik sendiri saat ingin bersedih.
kenapa?
biar dunia tidak tertawa akan tema kesedihan hidup saya yang itu itu saja.

lalu kalo sedang sedih kamu ngapain?

Lari dari keramaian, Masuk Kamar, Kunci Pintu, Tidak boleh ada cahaya lampu, headphones on, volume up,Ignore the world.
Again, Music always saved my life

saya tau, saya bukan lah satu-satunya orang yang sedang bersedih.
saya tau, tidak baik terus-terusan mengkasihani diri sendiri.
saya tidak pernah bilang kalo hidup ini sebegitu kejam.
saya yakin, everything happens for a reason.



Lagi sedih ? Menulis lah.. Jangan bunuh diri .

you're deaf

The clouds came fading in once again they rained sadness down on me they tried to convince me the alcohol ran through my veins I hoped I could turn blind I feel so buried, and when I scream You are deaf

need

I need but one thing. To be needed. To feel needed. To know that I'm needed. To know I'm that important. To know you need me. I don't want to be lonely. I don't want to stand alone. I want to be needed. I want to be your need. I need to be needed. It's a need of mine. To feel special, to you. To make you need too.

Reasons

It’s because I love you That I sometimes hurt you, It’s because we are the same,
Yet different in our own way.

 There are times when I see clearly Who is wrong and who is right,
There are times when you are near me,
There are times when we depart. No time for us, no hurry indeed, No problems, no worries, no nothing to give, No space between us, no miles apart, No danger, no light, no sound, no dark. It’s because I love you too much That I let my inner self cut you deep,

Don’t stare, don’t smile, don’t touch, Desert me as I slowly fall asleep. It’s because I love you too much That I can’t express myself like I used to, It’s because you love me too much That sometimes I seem to abuse you. Should I whisper the need of space Or pretend that we obey each other’s will? Sometimes I disappear without a trace, Sometimes you are the hunter and I’m the kill.

Flame of the fear

if you wanted to know the truth, you would know that i am hardly ever truthful.
I am a master of deceit, a fiend of dishonesty. my tongue silver and my teeth poison, and the ugly truth of the matter is that i spend so much time swallowing my own tales that i fear i am rotting with disease from the inside out.

 i can't stand to look in the mirror because it's looking into the face of my greatest enemy and the reflection is ugly and cracked like the worn sole of the nomad. the truth hurts like the exactness of a blade through dead flesh around a gaping wound.

i am a liar and i am lying to myself.
i cannot find my pulse and when i can, it's only to still the pounding that is keeping me awake late at night. the truth is i am afraid of the truth, and afraid of the light, and if we could keep the lights out every time you touch my hips, i would never have to confront the burning sun.

 you would never need to see the concealed scars around my inner thighs or the white-out confessions bleeding through my skin like marker on paper too thin. you would never have to see the parts i keep hidden with candlelight and angles. you would never see the places where my heart is charred and burned, and you would never have to see how the whorls on the lighter match those on my twitching fingertips.

 the truth i deny on a liar's tongue is that even though i whimper when i stand in the flame, i am afraid to leave the place i have come to know so well. i'm unaccustomed to beauty and unaccustomed to trust and i fear these more than the continual pain of self-inflicted burns. i ease myself into the boiling acid until my skin smarts and my heart quakes, until i am twitching from the cat-tail lashes across my exposed spine. i can hear their names, and i can hear my insecurities and i know, like i know the backside of the mirror against the wall, that i can cage and gag them.

 i have the power to dispel my every fear and move forward without the limp in my step, and the truth that i turn my face from is that i can't let go of the crutch of my pain. i know pain and i know hurt and i know what the feeling of isolation is. it is comforting to be scorched and my throat is conformed to the shape of the scream.

 i know the familiar ache, the familiar burn and surely the feeling of loneliness is easier to swallow when you never leave it. i am a coward with a lion's roar, and underneath the sound, i am nothing but a child with my hands clutching the side of my skull as if i can pull apart the clarity of reality. i am scared to be vulnerable and i am scared to peel away my shell of terror. i shadow the edge of my hurt like a wraith during the night and i slip into the ink-black waters during the day.

 i drown because i know how and i open myself up to the well-known blade because the wound is already so warm and inviting. i know the bite and the sting and i know how deep it will go before the hilt hits my stomach wall. i know how much i can take and i know how to gasp at the air to ensure i will only double-over and not hit the floor. i can time the seconds between the heart palpations and how long until it will take for the flame to begin eating at the detonator length of my spine.

it is a familiar way to disintegrate, and my body always shatters along the same old fault lines. you watch as i break my mirror once more and you grieve the ashes at your feet. you don't know i set myself aflame only to hit the punch line before anyone else; you don't know i can't look in the mirror cause of homicidal eyes glaring back unashamed.

 and the truth i avoid in clear glass and unrippled waters: you are beautiful and unfamiliar and have the kind of warmth i fear will be enough to still my limbs before i even smell the smoke. you have dark eyes and tender hands and the kind of heart that beckons one to stay and rest awhile. i fear these above all. trust and faith are a paralysis that blind and deafen long enough for me to leave myself open and waiting and whole for the breaking. oh, and your sting will be unknown, the press of your gunmetal to my temple foreign. the sound of death from your lungs to mine will be alien and i cannot guard myself against the hurt that could breed in your palms.

 i can take death unflinchingly from my own broadsword, but never, oh, never from yours! so i will swallow my own poison and light the match to set this house aflame. i will stand in the middle of the smoldering room and i will avoid the mirror and i will focus my attention on that familiar burn. i will forget the way my wrist flicked across the matchbox and i will ignore the truth because truth pales when fear is eating this heart alive.

life lessons in death

i didn't know what pain was. pain isn't sitting in your room with the music blasting and the world going in slow motion, because your heart's been metaphorically ripped to shreds and society doesn't understand you and your clothes don't fit [in] and your tongue has unraveled and you're too tired to try and pick it up again.

 pain isn't watching your friend walk away and your dog lie under the sheets of autumn leaves and throwing your moth-eaten book into the cardboard box next to him, because if you're going to lose one friend then you might as well lose them all and your arms are sore and your chest hurts, but night is coming and somehow you're sure you'll remember how to breathe by then.

 pain isn't sitting in the kitchen with your sister sobbing in the corner and the lights being too bright and remembering the way there was a full bottle of vodka on the shelf yesterday morning, and wondering what it's doing broken and empty on the bottom of the kitchen sink when she's screaming so loud that you speculate how she manages to draw air at all. that isn't pain.

 no, pain is sitting in a hospital room that is filled with forced laughter but isn't funny at all when in the center there is a corpse covered with linen and her mouth is open and her lips are moving but life isn't pumping through her veins the way it used to when she was running barefoot through cold tile houses with her hair radiating around her.

 pain is watching a body you used to know wither into alien flesh and bones with cramped hands grasping for something that isn't there and eyes turning to you with a wild anxiety that all the calm touches and whispers and spread palms on bare legs can't quell when the only thing in the world you know as true is that the beeping behind you is nothing but the ticking [down] of a malicious clock. pain is staring into a face you love and seeing death instead and knowing that nothing you can do will drive back the demons when they've already ravaged her body and you're exhausted and you're tired and you're sobbing up pieces of your ribcage and closing the door behind you and breathing in the bitter scent of cleaning fluids trying to mask the decay. pain is driving away with tears and spit running down your chin and the wheel spinning in your hands until you don't care if you're facing the horizon or the concrete barrier and gravity is just a joke and fate is a fucking bitch and you have questions and demands on your tongue and you'd hit your knees if you weren't strapped to the seat.

 [pain is holding a hand that isn't holding back any longer. pain is loving a heart that isn't beating any further.]

The art of waiting

goodnight moon,
sing sweetly to me tonight.
the curtains are drawn and your light is spilling under heavy cotton.
i am lying with the windows open, and the shutters are drawn.

the world is revolving around me and i am not moving an inch. i am still. i am the pinnacle upon which everything turns. with every breath i fear avalanches of mountains upon unsuspecting villages. you are too far away. i can't feel you, but i see you illuminating wooden floors.

sleep hides from me in the back corner of abandoned closets. i am a statue and my heart is breaking down the concrete in my palms. i am fearless, yet i am carved from fear itself. i am asleep in my wakefulness and my feet swing to touch cool floorboards,

i am walking the blueprint of my house in limbo. i touch the reality of granite counter and leather couch and leave nothing behind but the oil of my fingers. i reach the door and slide it. i reach the lawn and sink sole into dew-licked blades.

you are not here, yet you are everywhere. the yard is aglow with you. i am a compass and i cannot find north. my arrow is continually spinning and i am dizzy. i look upwards and i am blinded, i yearn, i ache, i hold my ribs with my palms, but i can feel the pressure swelling them outwards. i am fearless, yet i breathe fear with every breath. the world is muted.

i am curled on the swinging bench under the oak you once loved. the cushion is molded to your skeleton. it rejects my body. i cannot fit. hell knows i try. i curl in your imprint and find nothing but your absence. my flesh is silver in your memory. i touch your reflection on the metal and my hand erases any lingering sign of you. i move and find you once more. you wink and i sob. you swell and i am drawn to your gravity. my body arcs upwards and i float. i propel myself forward.

 i will fly to you. i will rise through cloud and ozone and find you once more. i am joyous with the thought. i am buoyant with the promise. you exhale; you sigh. gravity unties me. hope bleeds from my veins to stain the soil. i am sitting once more. the cushion sculpts around me. i am alone. goodnight moon. sing sweetly to me tonight. don't leave me alone waiting for morning light.

the story told without words

this is the story of a girl who fell in love.

 this is the story told in words that do not come gently, but rather as torrents of water bending the windowpanes. this is the story carved from the things that i am made of and pushed into the middle of sunlit rooms so that the world can stare in wonder. this is the beauty spewing from an unbeautiful mouth, the love gushing forward from the split ribs of a body that simply cannot contain anymore. this is not composed of large, sweeping generalizations and observations of the world, but rather is built upon the small whispers of dawn. if you split open the spine of this novel, you will find the vertebrae of the story in the details: you reaching over to tuck stray hair behind my ear; the fold of your skin at the corner of your crooked smile; the fluttering wings in the peach pit of my stomach. if you break down my individual parts, you will see them as the inconsequential entities that they are. you will see the way the wind comes to lift me up and carry me out to sea. the way i spread like ash, my different parts nothing more than periods and commas, adjectives strung together with nouns in dog-eared notebooks. oh, but if you change your perspective. if you ride upon the eagle, you will see the sum and the whole and the globe of the earth that rests between my lungs. you will see the way the ocean of stars love has caused to sprout along my clavicle, the garden of planets orbiting my thigh. you will see i am more than i am as i tell this story, the way the words have come together to build me up. the way this story has swallowed me whole and amplified the reality until i'm not longer sure the places where it bleeds into fiction. oh, but you should also know: i am not writing words in the hopes that i will shine them upon the night. i do not care to let the entire world find my signature in andromeda. i am not singing tales in hopes that i will feed my voice through the winding breeze and let it wash upon the foreign city walls. i am only weaving my story, because in the space between heartbeats, it is the only thing that keeps my cells from decomposing. i am blind and sculpting abstractions out of the wet sand pinched between finger and thumb. i am breathing shallow and quick, deep and long, i am imagining you in the heat that comes as the tide. my love has made me more than i am, has catapulted me and fed me until i have the universe encapsulated in my throat. my love has made me selfish, has caused me to not care about earthly means, leaving me alone in abandoned corners feeding on the emotion for nutrition. you see, i am sitting in the middle of an empty room with no windows, and though i am alone, i know you are here. in white walls, i see the shadow of your silhouette, and in the silence, i can hear the rhythmic beating of your pulse. i am filling the void with the verbs that do not bring you here and the adjectives that are not synonyms for the way my heart palpates when your breath shudders against my neck. i am carving and creating and breaking it to start over once more. and someday, i will find the words to tell because this is the story of a girl who fell in love – the story of the love who fell in a girl.

singing of beauty

some sing that there is beauty in the breakdown,
but i have learned in the heat of your palms that the true beauty is in the rebuilding after the fall.
 you found me a city burned to the ground and you exhaustively rebuilt all of my fallen skyscrapers.

you did not mind the singing and the stinging eyes. you never faltered at the quakes that ran up the base of my spine to the tip of the city limits.
 you just moved with meticulous, tenacious, loving grace. you found me a forest cleared on a whim, an ocean polluted with the lies of the selfish, a sky darkened with the ache of a thousand breaks. you found me ugly, and still, you found me.

 so, i do not sing of beauty in the falling, though i have seen the poetry in cracking ribs and bleeding knees. i do not sing of the beauty of salt-encrusted cheeks and nail-bitten lips. i stand in the heat of your embrace and sing of the sun that rises on each war-demolished countryside.

i sing of the light that washes over every blood-soaked battlefield. i sing of the way the soldiers rise and trudge on, of the way even the most lashed shoulders straighten to bear the load of life.
 i sing of the water that touches their chapped lips and the cool hand that soothes their brow.
 i sing of their relief. i sing, and i learn that beauty does not mean the untouched arts of virgin snow. i learn that beauty does not lie solely in the unscathed, unharmed, and unmoved. i learn that beauty is in the scars.

i learn that beauty is in gentle morning kisses when you have felt the bruising touch of those who do not truly love. beauty is not in the falling, but it is in the fallen.

 so, i will not despair that i have indeed fallen and scarred my knees. i will not be ashamed of my battered and weathered heart. it has felt the sting of the blade's edge and it has felt the sear of lonely nights, but it feels them no longer. i will wake each morning and bask in the knowledge that even when i cannot see your face, i can feel your heat and the radiating warmth of your heart. i will open my eyes and i will know that beauty is in living in your dream. so take these words and take this love and hold them close. and know, i will be there soon to sing to you of us.

try to know me

if you want to know me, you have to read my words. you have to let yourself slip into the sometimes boiling water of my ideas and let them blister and scar your skin. you have to touch the angry wounds and understand the serrated edges that placed them there.

you see, i am more than syllables and more than vowels, but to understand the cracking of my spine, you have to decipher the noise that it makes on the way down. you have to close your eyes and listen to my soft-throated whine and listen to my blood-vessel-popping scream and understand the howls of joy that spiral up my chest from the shrapnel of my very stomach.

 you must take the time to understand each of these separate noises and understand the source of the words comes not from inspiration and not from ideas but from emotions that bleed red down my arms to the calloused fingers that hold this pen.

you have to trust that i am not writing from false and vivid imagination, and you must understand that each flawed sentence and each misplaced comma is only a mirror to the messy and wild way in which i live my life. you see, you will not read my words and string together my sentences and stand in awe of the precision and neat order. you will not marvel at the ethereal clarity.

you will read and you will be placed in the muck. you will find yourself in the whirlwind of my thoughts and the peat bog of my heart. you will get your feet stuck in the mud and you will wipe dust across your cheekbone. you will be thirsty and disoriented and confused. you will be hurt and angered and lost. my words will not bring you to red-covered velvet chairs, sipping tea, drinking wine, tasting bread and commenting on the sunshine pooling on wooden floors.

 my words will not bring you to ballroom gowns sweeping dainty feet. my words will not bring you to serene and tranquil pools, waiting for the lady to slip off her glove and brush the waiting water. you will not be brought there; not by my words.

 my voice will drag you screaming into wheat fields in the middle of a summer torrent. i will drag you with phrases and lassoed adjectives into the heart of the storm, the wind ripping your shirt and plastering your hair to your forehead.

i will bring you heat and flames searing your heels. i will bring you chaos, misplaced and misunderstood and mistaken in every way.

it will be a disaster and it will be dangerous and it will not be pleasant in the slightest. i will bleed this complexity onto a page and i will dare you to fall in love with me. i will sit in a pool of blood, bleeding ink and i will curl my finger and invite you into the chaos, down the rabbit hole.

 i will stand in the middle of the madness, this wonderful terror that i have released from the locked cage of my chest and i will glory in it. i will lean my head back and breathe in the wind and the rain and the dirt that swirls around my legs and up my thrashing torso. i will paint and draw and write and invite you deeper into this wild, maniac world that i have created with misplaced and clumsy words. i will call myself beautiful in the ugliest way and show you my scars and show you my flaws and dare you to fall in and burn yourself on my flames. i will dare you to take my heat and swallow my poison and live in my madness. and most of all, i will dare you to read my words.

read my words and try to know me.

Life is pain

As the tears fall down you finally get to see the truth that lays beneath of all the pain and hurt that one girl can hold deep within where no one can see where no one would believe was there only to see whats shown and not really whats needed to be seen lost and alone with no way out just you and me and all this doubt wondering when our time will come but till then all i am is done Life is pain.

terlalu mendramatisir keadaan?coba kamu jadi saya sehari. pasti kamu mengerti kenapa semua isi blog ini tentang kesedihan. memang lebih banyak cerita sedih tentang kehidupan yang lebih tragis di bandingkan cerita hidup saya. tapi setiap orang punya cerita hidup masing-masing , bukan? dan disini saya cuma bisa menumpahkan apa yang saya rasakan dan alami lewat tulisan. blog pribadi ini jadi semacam media untuk saya menenangkan diri. saya punya banyak teman dan sahabat, tapi saya memang terpola untuk jadi sosok yang tidak mau menampilkan kesedihan saya di depan orang-orang. 

Well it isn't soo strange that nobody notice, cause we always wil fake a smile for them so they won't get worried..


beruntung saya sebagai seorang pekerja seni, pembuat musik dan pekerja musik, itu membuat saya bisa bersembunyi dari pahitnya hidup.

Heal me !!

I can Heal the Mind but I cant Heal the Thought, I can Heal the Body but I cant Heal the Soul, I can Heal the Wound but I cant Heal the Pain, I can Heal the Heart but I cant heal what it Holds, I can Heal a Scratch but I cant Heal a Scar, I can Heal Others but I cant Heal Myself, I can Heal a Friend but I cant Heal an Enemy, Darkness fills my eyes you see, life starts to end, No one to be my friend now, no one to pretent, Running blind round loving circles, now an empty shell, He hasnt been around to fall in love well, Being screamed at by hatereds breath, You coward..... , You weakling,..... Your unloved,.... Your dead,...... Not here to make friends,.... My bloodshed never ends,..... You'll be the one for me maybe?...... Please heal me.

Birthday wishes

Won't you come and take me away?

I don't have any desire to stay.

Okay, I'll stay here as long as you do too.

The truth is, I just want to be with you.

I'll be blowing out my candles with a sigh.

Asking each one a silent "Why?"

Why aren't you here, the only thing to wish for?

And why is it that if you came, I'd still want more?

Opening presents, they're all wrapped up very pretty.

But the only thing I asked for was for you to be here with me.

Waving goodbye to the guests, sighing that it's over.

Take a walk, wish on a four leaf clover.

Close my eyes, hope you suddenly appear.

Open them again, a lonely fall is all that's here.

In Love with a mess

I don't mind, I don't mind
If you're constantly high
It doesn't matter if you're baked or not
To me

I don't care I don't care
If you think I'm unaware
Of the things you do when you're without
Me.

But I don't want to know
If you're about to go
If you don't like the times
we both shared
I don't want to know
If I'll be all alone
If I need to plan
on getting out of here
Cause I'm in love with a mess
I don't care if it's for the best
All I know is I have heart to spare

I don't mind, I don't mind
If you stumble in late at night
I don't need someone to take good care
of me.

I don't care, I don't care,
If you need to stop and stare
At all the other girls except for
Me

But I don't want to know
If you're about to go
If you don't like the times
we both shared
I don't want to know
If I'll be all alone
If I need to plan
on getting out of here
Cause I'm in love with a mess
I don't care if it's for the best
All I know is I have heart to spare

Hear me out
Take me out
Use me up
But I am sticking around
Hear me out
Fake me out
Make it rough
But I am sticking around..

Cause I'm in love with a mess
I don't care if it's for the best
All I know is I have heart to spare

My Love

My love is a rainy night in an unbearably hot season
He's a breath of fresh air, the world that I live in
He leaves me wet and breathless under the dark sky
He is my blanket on a very cold night
My love is the soft, warm hoodie with which I sleep
He is that goodnight kiss, so slow and deep
He is the sun that breaks the bows of twilight
He wakes my soul with a gradient light
My love makes me think of all these beautiful things
There's not one doubt in my mind that I am forever his.

Them

Somebody broke me and took my insides
And when I found out I nearly died
Life was a meaningless hole lacking rights
But rules and everything make it right

Oh, There's something bugging me
Oh, It's something they gave me
Oh, They said they found the cure
Oh, But now they aren't so sure

I'm finding it harder to believe
They have their heart on their sleeve
They've got my heart there instead
I guess it's cause I'm so easily read

Oh, There's something bugging me
Oh, It's something they gave me
Oh, They said they found the cure
Oh, But now they aren't so sure

I am lying on this bed full of questions lacking answers
That are swimming through my head, swimming harder swimming faster
They've got me a loop, I don't know what to do
I'm just looking for the truth, now they're looking for you

Oh, there's something bugging me
Oh, It's something they gave me
Oh, they said they found the cure
Oh, but now I'm not so sure

I wish

I wish I wish I could just float into the ocean
I wish I wish I could fly into the sky
I have to deal with my wild imagination
Take me away away far away

I wish I wish I had the heart to love you
I wish I wish I had the decency to show you
I like I like the way you hold me near you
I wish I never have to cry

I don't believe in the bigger picture
I like to keep all my little tiny treasures
I love the way we watch the sunlight, up high
Never have to say goodnight

I wish these shoes held more than just me
You'd walk along my side and help out my feet
And when it rains, oh boy it rains
But then we watch it shine again

I don't believe in the bigger picture
i want to keep all of my tiny treasures
I love the way you look up at me, honey
Never have to say goodnight
Never have to say goodnight

Something I wrote

One of those days, someone accidentally watered my plants
I could have used more days of rain
I could have used more days of rain well..
One of these days, I'll have the decency to get off my ass
I could have used more days to reign
I could have used more days to reign well..
I'm not saying that I hate you, I'm not saying this is your fault
But I'm not gonna be the one to blame,
I'm not gonna take all the blame
I love you, I swear I always will be the one to talk to
When you realize that this is insane
When you realize that it's not the same well..

Love Later

I wrote a love letter,
I wrote a love letter
To tell you, to tell you I love you
I wrote a love letter,
I wrote a love letter,
To ask you to love me too

But don't you dare tell me
There won't be an ending
Don't you dare tell me
I'll never be lonely again

I wrote a love letter
I wrote a love letter
To ask you to marry me
I wrote a love letter
I wrote a love letter
To tell you, you drive me crazy

don't you dare tell me
There won't be an ending
don't you dare tell me
I'll never feel lonely again

I wrote a love letter
Right to myself, it said
You don't want to fall, I promise, you'll hurt again
I wrote a love letter
Right to your future wife
I hope you love him, I hope that you love your life
And your small children,
You're lovely garden
You're sunday mornings, and picnics, your weekends
I hope you're happy
Once he has left me
I mean, it's obvious
No one man can love like this

Don't you dare tell me
there isn't an ending
Don't you dare tell me
I'll never feel lonely again

Lamb

I am a bird
And I don't know my own home
I am a bird
And I won't ever go home
In the northwest, there is rainfall
There are clouds over my head
In the southeast, there is nothing
There is nothing I know best

I am a girl
And I don't know my own name
I am a girl
And my days all seem the same
After sunset, there is nothing
There is nothing I know best
After daybreak, there is nothing
There is nothing but a mess

I am alone
I am alone
I am alone, but I don't know how to dress
I am alone, but I still am not the best
After weekends, there are daylights
But there's nothing in this life
To keep drum beats, to keep rhythm
To keep each cymbal on time

Modern Love

Am I the only one who believes in romance anymore?
Relations seems like a serial business
You say "Modern love is a killer"
But honey, it's been killing us this whole time.
You can't even blame something you can't see
All you can do is blame yourself... Or blame me.
Cause I'm the one that has hope for love
I'm the only one with hope for love
But am I the only one who believes in romance?
Or did that die with all the finer things
Like flowers and journals and heart-shaped boxes
Like "embrace" and "honey" and "weak at the knees"?
Show me someone who believes in romance
And I'll show you their soulmate.

In my world

Your head is full of calculations
Your mind is out to sea
I'd love to make you think about it, love
Whether you could live without me
If I never shredded your love-strings
If I never set you on over-drive
Would your heart have found it's way, babe
Would it make it next to mine
Oh my sugar-booger, lovely lover, I
Picked you apart with each word
Show me your ocean, show me your lovely waters, I
Just wanna feel you in my world
Things are opening up everyday, you
tell me that everything will be okay, I
Never wanted you to be so caught up in this
But with our relationship it's either hit or miss
And everybody says the world is ending
I guess everyone's wrong
Cause my life is just starting
And it just can't end now

Another Story

Write me another story
about how lovers last
like nectarines in a ziplock
like popcorn in a bag.
And baby, could you tell me
that boys weren't just sent here
to break apart a heartfelt plan
after nibbles on your ear.
But kisses all mean nothing
and vows exist to break
relationships are like popsicles
on a burning summer day.
But every boy could tell you
that they're too madly fallen
to conform to the destructive social trends
of this world we were born in.

The Art Of Losing

I held something precious once
Something taken for granted
Like a butterfly on the edge of your palm
It only lingers for a moment
And as you try to soak up the beauty
With a wisp and flutter of its wings
It's gone
Flying out of reach

I lost something
Keys are in their place
It's my heart, aching
Is it so wrong to speak your mind?

I've taken the punches
Saw how much stronger you were than me
I would just fall down
And bear the marks of your footprints
As I got left behind in your shadow

I saw the jealousy we both have
Over the same goal
The same smile
We both longed to see
It just seemed you got them more
That they were brighter
I wanted to see that smile too.

No pillow fights, or secrets told
Over a cup of tea
No jumping in sprinklers
Did we ever do anything together?
I'm trying to remember a good memory
Why is my mind going blank?

Guess I'm not so good at sharing
Those words I spoke
Have built for years
I'm trying to be a new person
Not the weakling of before
But it's not easy
When I've lost that small part
That fills my whole

Time heals all wounds
But how long will this one bleed
What scars will remain?
Gone is our childlike innocence
The pretence of a bond
And yet maybe this sadness I feel
Are the remnants of the bond
We once may have wished to have

So I guess I'll wait
Missing that piece,
Missing you.
Whenever you're ready
I'll be here.

The Little Things

Sleeping in, nestled under the covers
Stretching as the sun warms my eyes
Hearing the church bells ring down the street
And the leaves rustling in the trees

Licking chocolate chip dough from my fingers
The smell of banana bread in the oven
A clean house
Flowers in a vase on the shelf,
All different colors

Not having to bundle up,
The sun's peeking through
Watching the horses graze
In the long grass of our field
The dog lazing in the yard.

The smell of home, and their voices
Of those I know love me
Running next to my Dad, and thankful
I can hear his steady breaths
On the road to recovery
Able to make these memories

Sitting next to you, if even for a minute
Wishing you a good day
Kissing you softly on the lips
Looking at your smile
Looking forward to our future together

Laughing even as my fingertips are freezing
At the sheer joy of flying down the road
The engine beneath me roaring
As we go for one last ride until spring

Now back at home, many things accomplished
Snuggled comfortably into my couch
A movie plays, and the bed will soon call
A good day overall,
Good night.

SCARS

Some we can see
On the surface of skin
Reminders of memories
Of childhood, of learning
Of memories and regrets
Some of resolution, other determination
Born out of recklessness, fear
Daring and sorrow.

Others, we will never see
Buried down deep
These skeletons; Lines across our chest
Loss and broken hearts
The lashings of broken trust
Of things of which
Our lips will not speak
They are carried by all
Some heavier than others.

Some will fade
Over months, over years
Some will heal
But always be fresh
In our minds, in our souls
Until our last breath

I cannot speak for all
Each have their own unique set
As different as the soul
Who carries them
But I can speak for mine.
The ones you can't see
Of loneliness and hurtful words
Of years of living with a reflection in the mirror
I hated.

The scars of a woman
Who smashed that mirror
Picked up the pieces of herself
And putting together
Something that was still part of her;

But the image now reflected
Was one I could smile at;
One I could live with, still Me
And yet, something new, something proud
To wear those scars

I cannot speak for you
Our experiences differ
But I'll hold your hand within my own
I'll open my heart to let you in
Along with those old wounds
For they are as much a part of you
As the beating heart I listen to
While my head lies upon your chest

They may not heal, but maybe I hope
A little they may fade
Your smile will show
The joy I have to be with you
The peace I hope to give

The love reflected
Within the last broken pieces
Forming something beautiful and shared
We hold each other close
We meld the pieces together, like our hearts
Until whole, they beat as one.

Sometimes

Sometimes, I wish I could be someone else. Even for just a split of seconds, an hour or just a day. Not to change things, feel how it is to be in other people's shoes, to be better.

No.

I'd like to see my face when I lose.

I'd like to see my tears.

I'd like to know why some still care and the others don't even write anymore.


I'd like to make myself happy, even though such a feeling would be only a faint touch of something still blooming or already dying out there.


I'd like to see a smile playing on my face.

I'd like to see myself blowing a kiss at someone, although that someone is long dead but
still manages to whisper silly, broken love spells into my ear.


I'd like to see myself die one day.
From a bullet, a combat knife. Of leukemia, a broken heart.


I'd like to see your face the moment my coffin settles in-between the grass and the reddish sky. I'd like to touch your tears then, those fake ones caught on the lips of the bystanders and taste every one of them with pietism.

I'd like to see my clothes being torn or still cradled at night in your unmoving, lifeless arms.

I'd like to see lanterns being lit up every other January or October or never beside the head of my small, white marble memorial.




Sometimes the light used to catch itself in your hair and I wish I could have been myself just a bit longer those moments.

I'd like to have been able to kiss your lips then and pretend you could be just as immortal as the airglow and my dreams.


I'd like to see you smile afterwards.




I'd like to still have you here.

TELL ME WHO I AM

Can you tell me who I am,
Can you tell me where I've been,
Can you tell what I did a week ago?
I can't remember who I am.

Can you tell me who I am
Can you tell me why I'm here,
Can you tell me what is going on?
I can't remember who I am.

Can you tell me how I know,
Can you tell me who you are,
Can you tell me why I see their faces before me?
I can't remember who I am.

Can you tell me who I am,
Can you tell me where I've been,
Can you tell what I did a week ago?
I can't remember who I am.

Do you know who I am?
Who am I?

Fantasy

A million shining pieces of my shattered, broken mind
Are sharp and shard-like piercing into my fragile bind
Hopes and dreams lie scattered, strewn upon the floor
Slipping through my fingers when I try to hold them more

Here we are here we stand
Clinging to fantasy
Look over the horizon at the ever nearing sea
They can catch me hold me chain me
Kill and rape and tear and maim me
They won’t steal my fantasy

I’ve been standing here forever on the border of denial
Warding off their questions with a tired, faltering smile
I sing in self-condolence of other worlds that for me pray
But my shell is slowly chipping with each untruth that I say

Here we are here we stand
Clinging to fantasy
Look over the horizon at the ever nearing sea
They can catch me hold me chain me
Kill and rape and tear and maim me
They won’t steal my fantasy…

Reason

He would be sure to remember
I was blind when we met...
the taste of saline on my lips,
and all the words I spoke were sterile,
but if you asked me then, I would say
I met no one there.

Sometimes when I exhale now
a minute requiem escapes. One low note
like the dried blood on my sheets.
You would know me if you saw me
I think... because I am sad,
the kind that makes me lazy like he hates,
but when I sleep, I walk
in the country of nightmares
where the silence is louder than his pulse.

What I wished three days ago
was for him to break the night with color.
The winter shades of pale grey.
I know I would see them now,
but he remembered I was blind and brought
me lullabies instead.

EYES TO PARADISE

You're a boy with two eyes; i'm
a girl with one heart and i say love
is blind but you
say love can see everything.

i'm a liar with two tongues; you're
honesty if honesty was silent. but
silence is louder in your hands.

in your hands i am silent.

we sleep with both eyes
open; but we're not sleeping,
we're not sleeping. we're wide
awake and it's time to go
to sleep.

if empty is a beating drum
then you're a slap to a face that
we haven't seen and doesn't
exsist; but you're innocent still.

innocence is bliss when ignorance is knowledge.

i'm just waiting; for the rapture,
but it seems my lungs are empty and
my hands
are heavy and weak.

heavy and weak; heavy and weak.

we sleep with both eyes
open; but we're not sleeping,
we're not sleeping. we're wide
awake and it's time to go
to sleep. so wake up.

wake up.

we have two lungs and two
ears and two feet and
two hearts between us and
we're stuck here.

we're stuck here; we're waiting for release.

i'm asleep.
i'm asleep.
i'm awake.

i do not exist.
i do not exist.
i do not exist.
i do not exist.
i do not exist.
i do not exist.
i do not exist.
i do not exist.
i do not exist.

EMBRACE

The bitterness of tears the gripping scent of dispair
These are things that never leave me, they are always there
I'm always beginning, never arriving
I can't go on denying

My feelings for you are strong
No matter if it's right or wrong
It doesn't matter just as long
As we're together

I want you to realize
The feelings you have behind your eyes
Don't ignore them and sigh
It's so hard to live a lie

Be true to yourself and me
Be true to the feeling we cannot see
We can't fight fate or destiny
Embrace the reality

I want your body, I want your soul
I want to have your love flow
Flow all over me
Like the waves of the sea

Accept it, accept me
Embrace the reality
It doesn't matter if it's right or wrong
As long as we can sing this song

ALL ON YOU

I wonder what it feels like
To feel so locked up.
When you can't even feel me,
When you can't fall in love.

I think about you all the time,
But I'm sorry that you can't
Can you even hear me?
Don't you understand...

...That you're my dream,
You're my rock that I can fall on.
You're so wonderful, baby come on
You can break free from that cell
I know you can escape your hell,
It's all on you.

I love the way you think,
But they're thoughts that are secret.
I'm here for you
Even when I'm not needed.

Of all the things
Going on around you.
I'll be there,
Yes, it's true...

...That you're my dream,
You're my rock that I can fall on.
You're so wonderful, baby come on
You can break free from that cell
I know you can escape your hell,
It's all on you.

Please don't fade away,
I know you can break free.
I wouldn't know what to do if you're gone,
I'd die, indeed...


...You're my dream,
You're my rock that I can fall on.
You're so wonderful, baby come on
You can break free from that cell
I know you can escape your hell,
It's all on you.

It's all on you
It's all on you
It's all on you.

BREATHE

I'm lying here,
trying to breathe.
You left last night,
it's something
I still can't believe.
You said goodbye,
and you didn't know,
I was trying hard not to cry.

And I'd wake up,
to the thought
that you were never coming back...

That you were never coming back.

And it's so hard to breathe,
whenever you're here
and whenever you're gone.
But you don't even know
that you do this to me.
How it scares me that
you're happy,
when I feel like I'm alone.

So I hear you're happy
over there,
And I guess I'm just
holding back the tears,
just so you wouldn't see.
I know I'm not
supposed to feel
like you belong with me.
I know that it's wrong,
I know that it's selfish.
To wish that you and I
would just be...

And it's so hard to breathe,
whenever you're here
and whenever you're gone.
But you don't even know
that you do this to me.
How it scares me that
you're happy,
when I feel like I'm alone.

I try to take a step back,
get you out of my mind.
How the hell can I do that,
while you're still in my life.
And you're not even aware,
you're happy with those other girls,
it's as if you never even cared...
about the girl that always used to be there.

You've fallen in love,
with someone else.
And you don't know that it kills me
to have to wish you two
all the best.
I guess it's sort of my fault,
but I can help but wish...
that you would think of me too.
The way that I think about you...

And it's so hard to breathe,
whenever you're here
and whenever you're gone.
But you don't even know
that you do this to me.
How it scares me that
you're happy,
when I feel like I'm alone.

It's so hard to breathe,
whenever you're here.
Whenever you're gone.

YOU ARE DEAD

We keep ourselves under the stars
We hide all the evil scars
But there is nothing that can be done.

We are hurt with all the wars
And now it is a bore
To see nothing at all that is won.

You hurt me
And you see
No pain that has been dealt

Believe me!
When we
Are under every spell

That is when you can say
You are dead.

These feelings I have never shown
But all this time I have known
You’re not worth it.

Yet again I will fight for you
Knowing there’s nothing I can do
It’s destroying me!

When death is around the corner
When there is only boredom
You know that I will fight

To stay alive!
Live or lie!
That is when

You can say
You are dead.

That is when you can say you are dead.

TORN DOWN THE MIDDLE

Try what you want
But my heart still feels broken
Say what you need
It falls on deaf ears

Illusions of love, aspiring
Delusions, enough, I'm tiring
It brings me to my knees

I'm torn down the middle
Losing my mind
While my trust has faded
Crumbling to the floor
Just stop, say no more
What's happening to me?
I hate it.

Touch, if you dare
But my skin has knumbed
Look into my eyes
To see I've gone blind

Illusions of love, aspiring
Delusions, enough, I'm tiring
It brings me to my knees
How dare you bring me to my knees

I'm torn down the middle
Losing my mind
While my trust has faded
Falling to the floor
Just stop, say no more
What's happening to me?
I hate it.

So tug one more time
You'll find that I tear
Any more pressure
And I might explode

What have you done to me?
I hate it ...

FROZEN FIRE

We decrease the temperature
about 2 degrees
Do you feel the burning cold
of all the stories left untold?

My heart is just a synonym
my heart is all blindfold
And I had to remember
all those things that you had sold

Feel it
Catch it
Tell me right away
what you have left behind
Time to go, time to go, time to go
time to be one of a kind

I feel this feeling will not feel
hit the moment, strike my time
And be the right one on my lifeline
just keep my eye glued to the sky

Increase the temperature again
and make my synonym stop shivering
Now, do you feel the freezing heat
that melts my life down to your feet?

Feel it
Catch it
Break my day
Feel it
Catch it, please
....stay

Hopeless Romantic

Am I hoplessly romantic, or am I just hopless for you?
From the west to the atlantic, I'm hoplessly searching for proof
that there's hope for me somewhere, somewhere there's a chance
that this glance that we keep throwing will turn out to be more than just a glance

'Cause
I want to live a life worth living,
but hearts weren't made to be forgiving,
and it's strife to go through with all this pain
I can't stand being alone without you
and yet I feel alone beside you too
I feel like i'll never live that way again

So tell me, what is it you're thinking
when you go home and when your wishing, do you wish for me?
tell me, what you're really feeling
and is it so, just so appealing
that I'd want to feel it, too
I can get you off my mind
You could at least say you tried
Tried to make this work and maybe,
if you really love me baby,
we could make it work this time

Do I want to be romantic, or should I just be blunt and skip the lines?
'cause boy, you've got me frantic and I'm running all around asking you why
we couldn't make this better, we could of made this better if we'd wanted
It's a little late now, now my empty heart is being haunted
by
ghosts of all our former selves
saying, "God, it feels like hell,
could anyone make this poor girl heal?"
Their voices echo off the hollow walls
No one can hear my crying calls
It's finally sinking in: my fate's for real

So tell me, what is it you're thinking
when you go home and when your wishing, do you wish for me?
tell me, what you're really feeling
and is it so, just so appealing
that I'd want to feel it, too
I can get you off my mind
You could at least say you tried
Tried to make this work and maybe,
if you really love me baby,
we could make it work this time

And do I want to have your hand
inside my own?
Do I want to have you and
no longer be alone?
Are you big enough to fill the space?
Strong enough to fix this place,
and though I long for you embrace,
I can't stand the thought of your empty face

And do I want to have your hand
inside my own?
Do I want to have you and
no longer be alone?
Are you big enough to fill the space?
Strong enough to fix this place,
and though I long for you embrace,
the hole you left can't be replaced...


Tell me, what is it you're thinking
when you go home and when your wishing, do you wish for me?
tell me what your really feeling (tell me, tell me)
and is it so, just so appealing (appealing)
that i'd want to feel it too

So tell me, what is it you're thinking
when you go home and when your wishing, do you wish for me?
tell me, what you're really feeling
and is it so, just so appealing
that I'd want to feel it, too
I can get you off my mind
You could at least say you tried
Tried to make this work and maybe,
if you really love me baby,
we could make it work this time
We could make it work this time.
We could make it work this time.

Unless You've become

I know that you're trying to make me think that I was wrong to stay
When you know that I'm trying so hard for us to be okay
You think it's so easy to make me go away
Well listen up 'cause I'm tired of telling you to your face

This is the last time I'm gonna say

unless you can keep me from smiling
unless you can keep me from breathing
unless you can keep me from dying

I know with you is where I belong

I'm not going to leave you
because of the rumors
I'm not going to leave you
because of the lying
I'm not going to leave you
because of the fighting

I'm gonna stand right here beside you
until I know that when I leave
You've become a different man
from the one I know today

So shut up and sit down boy
because I'm through with you acting like you know what's best for me
Don't give me that excuse about not loving me,
when every time I tell you to go you say 'quit playin'
just like you know there's no way for you to watch me leave

I know deep in my heart there's no way I'll go

unless you can keep me from blushing
unless you can keep me from laughing
unless you can keep me from counting every second that we're apart

I'm not going to leave you
because of the rumors
I'm not going to leave you
because of the lying
I'm not going to leave you
because of the fighting

I'm gonna stand right here beside you
until I know that when I leave
You've become a different man
from the one I know today

So unless you're ready to make me live with a broken heart
I'm right here to stay

unless you can keep me from smiling
unless you can keep me from breathing
unless you can keep me from dying
from laughing
from blushing
from counting every second that we're apart

I'm not going to leave you
because of the rumors
I'm not going to leave you
because of the lying
I'm not going to leave you
because of the fighting

unless you've become a different man
from the one I know

Time To see

Come to the time
When you'll realize
I was there all the while
Only to guide you

When you take me on
I get a little cold
Maybe some things aren't meant to be

Maybe one day
You'll look to the sky
And see the things you left behind

But now you know
How to get along
You don't need me to rely on

When you talk to me
I always make a scene
Just to make another memory

Pheraps one day you'll see
All you really need
Is someone who means more than a shield

I look to the moon
To see how soon
I need to look once more upon you

Maybe you'll look to the stars
And think of me wherever you are

Maybe through the trees
You'll get a little beam
Of the moonlight you look to guide you

I'll sit alone
To just get a little on
This rollercoaster we call life

Music Is the way out

So YAY.. Finally my first single "running for something" now available on iTunes.
I might Be not that Famous. But I don't care...
I just want to Play my song, Play My music, and I will keep writing and making music.
Screw famous,I just want my music to be known by a musician who knows what music is all about.

and also, thanks to all my friends for the love and supports.
really appreciate it.

Living This Live

Id rather die on my feet than live on my knees. So you can watch me rise with the things we carry. The loss. The scars. The weight of heavy hearts. So I say to the slaves of depression : carry on. And sing the sweet redeeming song. About living this life free and long. Watch me. Watch me. Watch. Me. Rise.

There's always Hope

From what I've been troughout, I've learned Don't try to understand everything. Because sometimes it is not meant to be understood. But rather to be accepted.
I believe that Faith means believing the unbelievable. Hope means hoping when everything seems hopeless.

I don't know, maybe my middle name is "hope"
And maybe I was born to be a dreamer.
I won't change it, because I dream and I believe like a kid. I won't grow up. I just learn to behave in public.
And I will Do anything To make my dreams Come true.
Anything in a good possible way.

I am strong because I know my weaknesses. I'm alive because I'm a fighter.I am wise because I've been foolish. I laugh because I've known sadness.

Where there is hope and determination, a solution is not far behind.

God has to break you in order to build you.

I wrote this to the guy who loves COLDPLAY

Don’t Panic when you read this.
Whenever I see you,
you make me Shiver,
and my heart? beats faster
than the Speed Of Sound.
I wish I could just go Talk to you.
I’m not looking for Trouble,
and I’m not The Scientist,
but to me,
Every Teardrop from your eyes? Is A Waterfall
to me, and if you get hurt,
I’ll do whatever to Fix You.
I hope to See You Soon,
because you make me Viva La Vida.

Thom Yorke

Buat saya, Thom yorke adalah musisi yang otak nya di atas rata-rata.
saya menggilai Radiohead sejak tahun 90'an,hingga sekarang.

Radiohead, menjadi salah satu band terbesar abad ke-21. Rilis single pertama mereka, "Creep", pada tahun 1992. Lagu yang pada awalnya berhasil dengan menjadi hit di seluruh dunia hingga beberapa bulan setelah peluncuran album debut mereka, Pablo Honey (1993). Ketenaran Radiohead naik di Inggris Raya dengan merilis album kedua mereka, The Bends (1995), album ketiga Radiohead, OK Computer (1997), mendorong mereka untuk ketenaran internasional yang lebih besar. Radiohead yang sering mengusung penampilan suara yang luas dan tema-tema keterasingan modern, seperti di albumnya "OK Computer" yang menjadi sejarah tersendiri di tahun 1990-an.


Bicara Radiohead tak lekang dari peran front-liner Thom Yorke sang vokalis yang melakukan karir menantang dan tak terduga dalam sebuah perubahan musik. Lahir 7 Oktober 1968, di Wellingborough, Inggris, Yorke lahir dengan penyakit pada mata kirinya dan mengakibatkan kelumpuhan hingga matanya tertutup sebelah sampai usia enam tahun. Ia menjalani lima kali operasi total, operasi terakhir itu gagal dan ia hampir kehilangan penglihatan semua. Bahkan hampir setahun ia tidak bisa melihat, dan jika ia pergi harus menggunakan pelindung mata.


Sejak remaja ia telah menyukai musik, sebagai inspirasinya, antara lain Elvis Costello, Queen, danThe Beatles. Setelah keluarganya akhirnya menetap di Oxford, Yorke disekolahkan hingga bertemu Ed O'Brien (Gitaris Radiohead) dan Colin Greenwood (Bassist Radiohead). Dari bandnya yang terinspirasi oleh R.E.M dan The Smiths hingga mereka menemukan Phil Selway sebagai drummer,dan mengundang adik Colin Greenwood yang memiliki multi-instrumen Jonny Greenwood untuk bergabung.
kembali ke vokalis yang memiliki nama asli Thomas Edward Yorke, adalah musisi Inggris yang merupakan vokalis sekaligus penulis lagu dari band Radiohead. Yorke yang ayahnya seorang sales alat kimia juga pernah membuat debut album solo yang bertajuk The Eraser. Yorke juga telah dikutip di antara penyanyi terbesar dalam sejarah musik populer: tahun 2005, dari sebuah jajak pendapat yang diselenggarakan oleh Blender dan MTV2 Yorke terpilih sebagai 18 penyanyi terbesar sepanjang masa, dan pada tahun 2008 ia menduduki peringkat ke-66 diRolling Stone ".

Musik dan Karakteristik Suara Yorke

Yorke yang dikenal memiliki suara tenor yang khas, vibrato, dan jugasering menggunakan suara buatan bernada tinggi, dan kemampuan untuk mencapaidan mempertahankan catatan rentang vokal lebar. Selama sesi rekaman untuk Thedegree pada tahun 1994, Yorke kemudian mengatakan konser yang berdampak langsung pada vokalnya pada lagu "Fake PlasticTrees" Namun, Yorke mengatakan, "Suara cantik saya ini sangat mengganggu dan perkataan sopanpun bisa saya ungkapkan dengan melengking ". Dia juga sering mengadopsi gaya lain menyanyi, seperti gaya berteriak agresif di bagian tengah". Paranoid Android " dan gaya seperti orang bicarapada lagu " Myxomatosis "dan" A Wolf at the Door".

Selain menjadi vokalis dan menulis lirik, kontribusi musik Yorke untuk Radiohead termasuk dalam permainan gitar, baik akustik dan listrik (band biasanya bagian irama, dengan anggota Jonny Greenwood menjadi pemimpin), dan piano (termasuk piano Rhodes, terutama pada Kid A). Dia juga memainkan gitar bass pada kesempatan (garis bass untuk "The National Anthem" direkam oleh dia) serta drum. Selama tur 2006 dan 2008 ia melakukan perkusi di panggung bersama-sama dengan drummer Phil Selway pada lagu "Bangers & Mash ".

Yorke, tidak seperti anggota lain dari Radiohead, belum pernah belajar bagaimana membaca musik. Dia berkata, "Jika seseorang meletakkan catatan di depanku itu tak berarti, karena bagi saya anda tidak dapat mengekspresikan irama yang benar seperti itu. Ini adalah cara yang tidak efektif untuk melakukannya dan sangat merepotkan ".

Sejak album 'Kid A', Radiohead melalui Yorke, telah memasukkan banyak unsur musik elektronik ke dalam pekerjaan mereka. Akibatnya, Yorke telah memprogram dan membuat sampel pada laptopnya di album terbaru. Pada acara radio tahun 2003 untuk mempublikasikan album 'Hail to the Thief', Yorke mengatakan bahwa ia lebih suka membuat catatan hanya dengan komputer dibandingkan dengan hanya sebuah gitar akustik.

Dalam wawancara Yorke telah mengutip berbagai inspirator musik yang mempengaruhinya, antara lain komposer jazz dan bassis Charles Mingus, Neil Young, Miracle Legion, penyanyi Scott Walker, dan musik elektronik seperti Aphex Twin dan Autechre, Krautrock dan Can Band. Talking Heads, Queen, Joy Division, Majalah, Elvis Costello, The Smiths dan Sonic Youth adalah band yang berpengaruh awal pada Radiohead dan Yorke. Pada tahun 2004, di Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival, Yorke berkata kepada orang banyak, "Ketika saya masih kuliah, Pixies dan REM mengubah hidup saya," dan dia telah sering disebut-sebut kedua band sebagai contoh.

Yorke Sebagai Aktivis

Yorke telah blak-blakan tentang berbagai isu-isu politik dan sosial kontemporer. Radiohead telah membaca buku 'No Logo' by Naomi Klein selama sesi 'Kid A', "No Logo" juga sempat dianggap sebagai judul album dan semua anggota dikabarkan sangat dipengaruhi oleh itu, meskipun Yorke mengatakan "tidak mengajarkan apa pun. "Yorke juga menjadi aktivis dalam mendukung praktek perdagangan yang adil, dengan anti-WTO (World Trade Organization) dan sikap anti-globalisasi, turut mengecam IMF (International Monetery Fund), yang mengumpulkan perhatian signifikan di tahun 2000-an.

Yorke juga terkenal sebagai seorang aktivis politik dan juga aktivis hak asasi manusia dan gerakan anti-perang seperti Jubilee 2000, Amnesty International, dan Friends of the Earth's Big Ask Campaign. Radiohead bermain di 'Free Tibet' pada tahun 1998 dan 1999 dan di sebuah konser Amnesty International pada tahun 1998. Pada tahun 2005, Yorke juga bergabung di 'Trade Justice Movement'. Pada tahun 2006, Jonny Greenwood dan Yorke melakukan konser khusus untuk Friends of the Earth. Yorke menjadi berita utama di tahun yang sama karena menolak permintaan Perdana Menteri Tony Blair bertemu dengan dia untuk membahas perubahan iklim, Yorke menyatakan Blair tidak memiliki kredibilitas terhadap lingkungan. Yorke kemudian bersikap kritis terhadap penggunaan energi sendiri terhadap musiknya. Radiohead melakukan sebuah studi oleh kelompok 'Best Foot Forward' yang mengklaim untuk membantu mereka memilih tempat dan metode transportasi yang sangat mengurangi penggunaan karbon pada tur 2008 mereka. Band ini juga memanfaatkan sistem pencahayaan LED yang hemat energi dan membudayakan daur ulang plastik.

Thom Yorke mendukung film dokumenter perubahan iklim, 'The Age of Stupid'. Dia menyumbangkan lagu radiohead yang berjudul 'Reckoner' untuk kredit akhir film dan melakukan streaming video pada 'The Age of Stupid Global Premiere'. Selama itu Thom Yorke berbicara tentang masalah pertumbuhan ekonomi dan mengatakan "Saya pikir Ed Miliband mungkin tahu ini tapi tidak akan mengakuinya sebagai politisi biasa. Itulah konsep pertumbuhan ekonomi tak terbatas dan sekarang mati "

Mati rasa

Ternyata memang lebih mudah menumpahkan rasa lewat tulisan.
Saya mempunyai masalah dengan kepercayaan pada orang lain.
saya tidak tau, siapa yang bisa saya percaya,hanya untuk sekedar mendengarkan curhatan saya yang isinya keluhan semua. saya bukan tipe orang pengeluh..tapi kali ini saya benar-benar berada di titik galau yang ingin meledak.

beberapa orang yang kenal mengenal saya mencibir dan prihatin melihat saya.
"apa saja yang kamu lakukan seharian kalau tidak ada acara manggung akustik? cuma diam di kamar? melamun di depan komputer?mendengarkan lagu sedih tapi tidak ada air mata yang keluar dari mata kamu? "
saya tersenyum.
dalam hati saya cuma bisa berkata " saya memang seperti ini, bukan saya anti sosial dan tidak punya kehidupan lain di luar,tapi bagi saya, mengasingkan diri dari kehidupan luar yang penuh kepalsuan itu lebih baik. tentu saya juga ingin seperti kalian,tapi saya mungkin sudah terpola menjadi pribadi penyendiri, kalian boleh menyebut saya orang aneh. Tapi jika kalian tau semua yang pernah saya lalui, mungkin kalian akan mengerti"

saya punya banyak teman, mereka menyayangi saya, mereka mengagumi saya. salah satu dari mereka pernah bilang " I wish I were you "
saya tertawa, apa kamu benar-benar ingin menjadi saya? dan dia menjawab "tentu saja, kamu sosok wanita yang menginspirasi saya, kamu berbakat, kamu cantik, kamu pintar,kamu wanita tangguh,kamu penuh dengan canda tawa, penuh dengan humor,dan kamu penuh dengan rasa kasih dan para pria menginginkan kamu untuk menjadi kekasih mereka"

saya bersyukur Allah SWT memberikan saya kelebihan dalam bidang musik. Musik adalah hidup saya.Dan musik yang memberikan saya Hidup. Untuk dalam jangka yang lama, saya percaya, The Good thing about music is, when it hits you, you feel no pain. NO PAIN.
Saya bangga pada diri saya ketika mereka menamakan diri mereka fans saya. dan menikmati karya-karya saya. tanpa disadariItu salah satu yang membuat saya belajar mencitai hidup dan diri saya.
Saya memang penuh dengan selera humor. hanya itu yang bisa menghibur diri saya sendiri.
Beberapa pria menginginkan saya untuk menjadi kekasih mereka? Benar. Tapi semuanya ternyata terlahir hanya untuk mencari tau apa itu cinta,mereka tidak tau caranya mencinta.
Karena sekarang saya tau, hanya sedikit pria yang lahir ke bumi ini dengan hati.

Lalu, ada seseorang yang bertanya pada saya "kenapa kamu sangat dingin?apa kamu tidak merasa kesepian?Mengapa kamu sangat pemilih?mengapa kamu terlalu tidak percaya dan ketakutan untuk membuka hati lagi?"

saya tersenyum kembali,
Boys, I'm not picky, I'm not paranoid...I just have trust issues
dalam hati saya berkata

Dan mereka bilang saya mati rasa.
Salah.
meskipun hati saya sering dipermainkan. Disakiti. Dibohongi. tapi hati saya masih berfungsi dengan baik untuk memberi cinta.

Mungkin dengan kesendirian ini saya bisa lebih memahami dan menemukan jawaban kenapa saya selalu di sakiti.

Emotionally I died A long Time Ago

Sometimes there is nothing to say. Just take a deep breath and walk away.
but there's always, some "why" in our life remain unanswered.

How come it has to be the one person you love the most, is also the one person who can hurt you the most..?
Everyone told me to open up and trust again, and when I do, I get hurt again. What's the point?

my head is screaming 'WHO CARES', but my heart is screaming 'I DO'

The heart may forgive, but the head never forgets.
I'm tired of laughing when i just want to cry. I'm tired of smiling when i want to die. I say I'm fine when I'm not, All i want is for the pain to stop.

I know, I know
it sounds lame.
but trust me, it hurts like hell !!


but
If being hurt makes me stronger,
I should be unbreakable...

Disappointed

Life is like a big puzzle. Some of the pieces just don't fit where you want them to, no matter how hard you try to make them.


I can't blame you for being who you are, I can only blame myself for thinking you were different.
Soon my heart will acknowledge what my head already knows...that you're not worth it.