i fight a war inside my head

it resembles breathing without oxygen;
knowing about a surprise party
but relishing the anticipation, regardless
like bursting hearts
inside trembling chests;
exploring uncharted waters
in the deep end of your bath tub.

i find it easier to submerge myself in
the depths of my foggy mind, than to
admit to myself that perhaps it's time
to wake up and smell the coffee
life is about to happen, and i need to be there
for the happening

i'm cutting up my arms while
im cutting up paper dolls of my younger self;
they are lining my lonely walls.
im singing songs about broken minds and
merry go rounds that only spin faster
the more that you scream,
and you just pat my head
and hold my hand,
while whispering that one day
i'll get better.

it's like the ardor between us is magnifying
and the pressure beneath my skin
is about to rupture, and my veins will shoot
starry eyed wishes
into my heroin soaked heart.
im flying high dear, and i hope you'll be there
for the big crash landing.

nothing remains for me,
so i fight a war inside my head

your rusted lies and the noxious fumes

like a cyanide heart, your words drip acid
and your tongue flicks toxic lips.
iloveyou's and imsorry's spit like rusty nails
and close the lid to my coffin.
i once believed in your fatal lies;
i deluded myself that they kept me alive,
but now your lethal slander simply makes me want to die.
i vaguely remember when i would look into your coffee stained eyes,
and i actually believed that i could see my face
being reflected in those shining balls;
i could feel my heart knock against my chest bone
because it was me that was making you smile.,
but really it was because i needed something; anything
i just needed to be needed.
now all that i am left with is a shattered mind,
and weary eyes that refuse to stop leaking,
and the revolving thought that i am an idiot to have
ever believed that you were a good idea,
which i realize as i stare up at you from the floor
at your clenched fists used to fix me, to
correct the errors i have made; prevent new ones
as i appologize and beg
myself hoarse.
and your imsorrys don't make the cut anymore, but
because i was so generous and forgiving
for so many years, i'll have to pay for it in those
that are yet to come.
your words have eroded away
and all that is left imprinted in my hollow chest
are your rusted lies and the noxious fumes
of your
imsorry's and iloveyou's,
overshadowed by the truth
in your
i'llkillyou's and ihateyou's