Pain And Hope

It's amazing how nothing feels real anymore.
Nearly everything I've cared and hoped for thrown out that door.
Feeling this pain that haunts me constantly.
Feeling that nothing's left for me.

Every time I get this way I feel so selfish.
Thinking it's a sin to think of me and how I feel,
But now I know it's natural.
Just not this pain I hold in me.

Why do I feel this pain
When I thought I'd gained all that was lost?
Am I drowning deeper than I thought?
Is this pain deafening?

Wanting someone to hold me.
Wanting someone to care.
Wanting to breakdown.
Wanting to cry.

Feeling so saddened.
Feeling so deep.
Drowning in this pool miserably.
Holding me back from all that I want.
Taking my hand, pushing me back again.

Is this what I want?
Do I want to feel this pain?
Do I constantly want to cause this pain?
Should I keep bringing myself down?
Should I reach for someone else since I can't seem to stand my own ground?

Do I crawl into my miserable grave
Or should I try again?
Hoping for a better hand.
Hoping for a better friend.
Hoping not for me.  

Dead Like Me

On Top of the World,
At the Edge of the Sky,
Is a wonderful place
Where the Angels reside.
Don't get me wrong,
for a Heaven it's not.
Simply a Haven,
where wings can be got.
Up in this Haven,
Full of magyk and light,
Is a small part of town,
that isn't quite right.
In it are beings,
and like angels They've wings,
but do not be fooled:
These are the dangerous things.
They'll kiss and they'll hold you,
your intrest they'll trap,
They'll hug and infold you,
spend the night in thier lap.
The sunlight reveals them for thier true selves,
You see
you're where the wild things dwell.
Frightened now,
trapped in his arms.
Scared to death,
trapped close to harm.
An icarus is he,
tasting your neck so lovingly.
Throw bck you head in ecstacy,
and wonder "What you'll do with me?"
"Just hold still,
I'll let you be
what I want to want,
That I love to need."
His lips curved in a dainty smile
he's left you alive,
at least fo a while.
Staring up through hooded eyes,
You wonder why
Exactly why
Why am I not dead?
"You'll never know pain,
unless you're dead like me.
But you'll never know death,
you'll be dead you see.
On Top of the World,
At the Edge of the Sky,
in this wounderous place,
Where the angels can die."

Leave me alone !!!

You're complaining.
Yet you, yourself.
Can be aggravating.
Always talking about this and that.
Bothering me while I'm trying to figure out.
How to live my life one day at a time.
Trying to figure out how to get my life back.

Leave me alone.
Let me live my life on my own.
All of you that think you are better than me.
All of you that think you are really something.
You are nothing to me.

Leave me alone.
Let me live my life on my own.

Trying to put me down?
Trying to put me down!
Stop trying to put me down.
Leave me alone.
Let me live my life on my own.

Penghuni Hati

sudah 26 bulan
saya masih bermimpi tentang kamu. ketika saya tidur maupun ketika saya ada di alam sadar. hebat bukan?
pesona kamu sungguh kian nyata.
apa kamu tidak bangga pada diri kamu sendiri mengetahui saya mengagumi kamu hingga saat ini?
saya masih suka ingin tau apa kamu bahagia dengan wanita ideal yang kamu impikan dari dulu.
mengetahui bahwa saya bukan wanita ideal kamu,tidak membuat saya berkurang secuilpun perasaan ini masih menggebu gebu seperti dulu.
saya memang selalu ingin tau keadaan kamu, tapi saya selalu menahan diri untuk tidak berlebihan.
saya hanya ingin memastikan bahwa kamu bahagia dengan dia.

Dan kamu tau? hati ini masih punyamu.

Kamu tahu,
Betapa saya begitu menikmati setiap malam saya dengan jam tidur yang tidak normal lagi.
saya menikmati bercumbu dengan bayangan kamu.
saya tidak gila.
saya hanya tidak tau caranya bagaimana melupakan kamu! itu saja.

 kamu boleh selamanya ada di hati
Tinggallah selama kamu mau.
diam disitu jika memang saya harus menikmati kenangan hingga akhir waktu. sungguh saya tidak keberatan.