Pain And Hope

It's amazing how nothing feels real anymore.
Nearly everything I've cared and hoped for thrown out that door.
Feeling this pain that haunts me constantly.
Feeling that nothing's left for me.

Every time I get this way I feel so selfish.
Thinking it's a sin to think of me and how I feel,
But now I know it's natural.
Just not this pain I hold in me.

Why do I feel this pain
When I thought I'd gained all that was lost?
Am I drowning deeper than I thought?
Is this pain deafening?

Wanting someone to hold me.
Wanting someone to care.
Wanting to breakdown.
Wanting to cry.

Feeling so saddened.
Feeling so deep.
Drowning in this pool miserably.
Holding me back from all that I want.
Taking my hand, pushing me back again.

Is this what I want?
Do I want to feel this pain?
Do I constantly want to cause this pain?
Should I keep bringing myself down?
Should I reach for someone else since I can't seem to stand my own ground?

Do I crawl into my miserable grave
Or should I try again?
Hoping for a better hand.
Hoping for a better friend.
Hoping not for me.