Confused

I want to be alone
But once I am
I can't stand
The solitude
I want everything to be quiet
But once it is
I can't stand
The silence
I want to live my life
But once I start
I just feel like dying
I want to be happy
But once I am
I always become sad
I want to laugh
But when I do
I feel like crying
I want to be loved
But once I am
I feel nothing but hate
I want to forget the past
But once I do
I feel ashamed
I want to be strong
But once I am
I always become weak
I don't know
What's wrong
I don't know why
I feel this way
Just please understand
I'm confused.